Surviving Adolescents 2.0 by Michael Carr-Gregg

Author:Michael Carr-Gregg
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780143784685
Publisher: Penguin Random House Australia

It is entirely developmentally normal for teenagers to prefer to be with their mates over hanging out with their parents. A sense of belonging and connectedness to a peer group is a powerful protective factor for wellbeing in adolescence and beyond. But peer friendships and relationships do not replace the ongoing importance of family connectedness and belonging (no matter how much your teenager tries to convince you otherwise). People who feel like outsiders in their family, peer group or community tend to be more at risk of mental illness than those with strong bonds. Close knit families are built around shared positive experiences, plenty of positive communication and family rituals or traditions.

There will always be opportunities for you to spend time with your teenager, and it’s important to take these when they arise. You may want to schedule some activities in, especially (but not exclusively) over the holidays when everyone is more relaxed and with a bit more time up their sleeves. But always be looking for opportunities; for example, if your teenager’s plans fall through on a Saturday, seize the day!

Research shows that, generally speaking, the sheer amount of time parents spend with younger children has little effect on outcomes including academic achievement and emotional wellbeing. Instead, quality time is the key, when we are focused and engaged with our full attention on our children. This includes reading to children, sharing a meal and talking to them without being interrupted by phones, social media or other demands.

A longitudinal study in the US, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family in 2015 found that quantity alongside quality of time does, however, start to become more important in the teenage years. Time spent with mothers reduced the likelihood of delinquent behaviour, and time with both parents together, such as at meal times, reduced the likelihood of substance abuse. These positive associations were found with teenagers who spent an average of six hours per week engaged in family time – so we’re not talking huge amounts of time here. You can’t necessarily mark the hour at which you will engage in quality time on a daily basis with your children, but you can create spaces where it is more likely to happen. There’s no recommendations about specific amount of quality time that should be spent with children, but what appears to be important is that parents are not stressed, anxious or sleep deprived during this time.

Whatever activity you share, it’s also important that your child enjoys it. It’s tempting to use the time to catch up on watching your favourite David Attenborough docos or have your teen help rearrange the bookshelf, but engaging them in activities of your choice is counterproductive and reduces the likelihood that the opportunity will arise again. Let them help decide on the activity. Here are some ideas about what you could do together:

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